Make it Stop

This one is going to be rough, because if I stare at it too long it’s not going to be published. You’ll see why in a second.

Welcome to everything in my brain. More than you probably ever wanted to know about me.

Sometimes I feel like I have schizophrenia because of the constant battle between my polar opposite personalities. Maybe I do. I should probably have that checked out. On one hand we have perfectly confident, happy, proud Shelby who will stop at nothing to get what she wants. On the other is the Shelby riddled with depression and anxiety. We’ll give Sunshine Shelby the ADD to even it out a little bit. Sunshine Shelby and Hateful Shelby constantly argue. I argue with myself? There are two voices in my head arguing. God this is weird. I’m crazy, just say it.

It’s been months since I stopped taking my meds, but to be honest, I could down an entire bottle of abilify and the voices will still scream at me. It is so….so….difficult to be sunshine when the other half of me is telling me loud and clear that I’m worthless. You’re bothering people. God, you’re pathetic. Get out of the way. Failure. You’re stupid. They’re so loud it’s hard to think past them. And then comes the panic attack.

How is one supposed to keep their chin up against a cruel world when they can’t even handle themselves?

I’ve been suicidal twice in my adult life. The first time I realized what my thoughts were and immediately fought it. I was actually angry because I wanted to live. How dare my brain and heart deny me that! The second time I gave in, because there was nothing left. Nothing was on the balance to keep me afloat this time. If it hadn’t been for my best, oldest friend and my persistent mother, I wouldn’t be here. I didn’t think I would make it out of that.

I don’t know what else to say, other than how exhausting the constant roller coaster of Sunshine Shelby’s anger and Hateful Shelby’s put downs is. No wonder I’m so depressed.

 

What are your stories? Do you struggle too? How do you cope?

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