Finding That Motivation

“As little as you want to write when you’re happy, that’s now much you have to write when you’re miserable. Your passions need to go somewhere, and this is the only place left. Your suffering has to be good for something. It’s not for me to say if the words were worth the price.” – Brian Bloom, 5 To 7

Hello, WordPress. It’s been awhile.

In my absence, plagued with writers block and the whirl wind of life changes I happened to drop myself into, I’ve been thinking a lot about motivation. The driving force of every action, every person. Nothing is truly empty, and there’s always a back story. As I find myself meeting new people, I have one desire; find their motivation. It’s a habit of mine to wonder what goes on behind people’s eyes. I love to discover what they’re thinking and what propels them forward. In my situation of meeting new people, I found myself forced to answer my own questions about motivation.

How much of my writing is driven by positive emotions? Not much. You could spend hours sifting through blog posts and only find a handful of pieces from the joy in my life. My writing is mostly motivated by all the negativity in my life. Ranting about the stupidity of the world we live in, reflecting on the ways my life has gone, and disguising moments in poetry chalk full of imagery. It was at the point everything in my life began to go beautifully that I stepped back from writing. I had no words to share, because everything is and was perfect.

So this is my problem. Why am I motivated by negativity when my life and personality is so positive? Am I abnormal in the world of writing? Could I call this a simple therapeutic method? And if these things are normal, why is it so? Why do we as writers feel this way?

My greatest motivation in life is passion. I’ve always felt things so deeply. Simple instances affect me in such a way they usually end up somewhere in my works. This is why I write. They have to come out somehow. The thing is, how do I bridge the gap between my passion, and the negativity in my writing? How do I change my motivation to better my mental and emotion health?

From another perspective on motivation, my writing has always suffered under the influence of books. Literature makes me doubt my style and fluency. I can’t read books while I’m writing, one, because it’s hard to focus on both, and two, because I constantly compare the work of published authors to my own amateur pieces. Instead, I turn to film. Very few TV shows have touched me as much as my favorite movies, but The Office has stood out among the hundreds I’ve scrutinized. The style and lessons so carefully slipped in between the humor have kept me coming back for more, even though I’ve finished the series 4 times now and can quote a good portion of the dialogue. As far as movies go, I have an extensive library I call my “favorites”, but really only 2 help me as a writer. It began with Like Crazy, a little known independent romance with an interesting style. I fell in love with the character, the writing, the style, and the story. Everything was perfect and everything spoke to me. Then came 5 To 7, which opened doors for me in my views of the world and romance, as well as validated my feelings as a writer. I can’t convey how much I identify with Brian Bloom, who is played by Anton Yelchin (also male lead in Like Crazy, big coincidence.) Yelchin is a great actor by the way. Very unappreciated. But yes, these movies are very inspirational to me, even now that I’ve seen them multiple times. They keep me going like nothing else.

At the end of every story, every blog piece, every poem, there is a heavy heart. Writing, at least to me, isn’t about simply putting words on paper. It’s putting your heart and soul on a page. It’s letting go. It’s opening up. It’s giving away. At the end, no matter the mood of the piece, I’m left vulnerable. And I honestly wouldn’t have it any other way.

 

p.s. I realize this is extremely choppy and doesn’t flow well. I’m lucky to even get something out at this point. No judgement.

Advertisements

In Case You Wanted to Know My Nose Troubles

The cedar came in the day before Christmas. We all felt it, and I (being the experienced allergy-sufferer that I am) began to build up my Clariton D defense.

But suddenly my trusty pills weren’t good enough for the big bad cedar epidemic of 2015. After opening presents, playing games, and being more social than I usually am, allergies hit me hard. And there was nothing I could do but blow my nose and sleep…

Over the weekend the irritation settled into my throat and I dealt with it, assuming this was the end of my attack as it usually is. No. Not even close. Yesterday I lost my voice, which was fine by me. The only good thing about getting a sore throat as a child was the possibility of losing my voice and getting to talk in funny voices. By last night, I was struggling with my own Niagara Falls.

Let me fill you in on how my night played out. Every few minutes I dragged my aching body into another position, hoping it would be the one to send me off to sleep so my nose could run without bothering me. I wasn’t granted such peace. With every turn, I got to rest for just a little bit before it was time to sit up and blow again. By the end of the night, tissues littered a trail from the side of my bed to the trash can under my vanity. Earlier in the night I attempted to steam out my poor nose with some hot lemon tea. Failure on all accounts. That mug sat with full contents over the night, growing colder as it thought about all the ways it had failed the coughing teenager in bed.

The Essential Oils diffuser my lovely aunt had bought me along with a few new bottles to add to my small collection back in my apartment didn’t help much. The ingredients I needed are sitting on my dresser, 4 hours away. So, I became resourceful. I armed myself with Lavender (the only ingredient I did have) and Peace/Calm (a sleep aid EO) while I waited for my clariton to kick in, but even when I could smell the change of atmosphere in the room, my poor head refused aid. So, when I was still awake in the hours I consider “panic hours” (def: the hours in which I start counting down the amount of sleep I will get before it’s time to wake up, and when I start worrying about how I will get those precious hours) I began to pop pills. Our medicine cabinet was horribly devoid of allergy season meds, but I did find a lone zytec, and some sudafed. With these swimming around in my stomach, I went back to bed.

Today sucked. I feel like I have the flu and activity for more than a few minutes has me back on the bed fighting down nausea. I haven’t written in so long, even this grotesque, over detailed anecdote is enough to post. So while I stare longingly at the chicken soup sitting sadly on my table and scroll through netflix so I don’t die of boredom while I’m dying, enjoy my story. We’ve all been in this moment of helpless pain. Yall have to understand.

Bored With Being Insignificant

I’m bored. I’m bored with talking. I’m bored with writing. I’m bored with Netflix. I’m bored with Facebook. I’m bored with this town. I’m restless. It’s as if I’m waiting for something, but Lord knows what that is. I search my computer, flipping through tabs for something to do. I scroll through social media, uninterested in the mess our stupid world is in. I’m bored with ignorance. It’s the same thing every time.

I’m bored with the never-ending news of violence in the world and the way people seem to shrug their shoulders and move on. I’m bored with the selfishness around me. I’m bored with going in circles with stubborn, uneducated people. I’m bored with seeing the precious faces of my childhood friends in military uniforms, ready to kill for a broken country. Why do we kill? Why are your hearts so hardened?

I’m bored with being voiceless for every reason. I’m bored with being afraid. I’m tired of being told to change my attitude or fail in life. Change my perspective and demeanor or fall, because everyone is more damaged than I. What’s your damage? Do you see mine? I hide it well, can you tell?

I lose myself in albums from Owl City, Imagine Dragons, Never Shout Never, Ellie Goulding (the first, when she was actually likable), and Taylor Swift. I study them and memorize their lyrics, because everyone has something to say somehow. It’s the same for the cheesy romantic movies I watch and re-watch. This is where I learn.

I float to the balcony, hoping something interesting is waiting outside. I sleep early because it’s something to do. I stare at the list of online assignments waiting for me to complete them. I’m bored with school. Teach me something, I beg you.

I light candles not for their fragrance, but because it’s 10 seconds to be amazed by fire and play the game of lighting a wick. I’m a pyro, in case you were wondering.

I started writing a new novel. Did you know that? It’s my 3rd attempt. This one will be completed. I won’t allow myself to leave this one in the graveyard of my forgotten works. Morbid huh?

I wander about my day, half asleep, but really I’m inside my head contemplating things such as duty and finality. I’m bored with what this life has to offer me at this point, but it’s my duty to reach the finish line and receive a piece of paper. It’s my duty to support. My duty to lead. My duty to make something of myself. My duty to fit into line. My peers would call the list of duties I create “adulting”. I don’t want to adult today, please. Since when did everything bad in life become a verb? Adult used to be full of honor, something to be achieved. Not something to cringe at and roll over, snoring your way back to sleep. Did you know we have less than 5 billion years left? Our sun will become a Red Giant and swallow us in the process before our galaxy will be eaten by Andromeda. Andromeda collides in 5 billion years. We won’t see this occurrence. 5 billion years sounds like a long time…but it’s just a blink of an eye in matters of the universe. Who knows what we’ll be when we’re swallowed by the only thing keeping us alive? How ironic is it that the Sun, the huge ball of gas fueling our life styles, will be the one to snuff us out? The end of Earth. But I’m sure Pluto will be fine. It’s too far for the Sun to reach when it expands. And the scientists denied Pluto. Who will be the one laughing when we’re fried?

Do you see why I’m bored with life? We talk about trivial things like taxes and pointing fingers at other races, but we’re ants. Insignificant. I want to go somewhere and be someone instead of spending hours putting together outfits from my closet and straightening my hair. If 5 billion years is a blink, my life is nothing. I don’t want it to be nothing. I’ve already wasted enough time sitting at a desk, staring at the back of heads and computer screens.

Life starts with my engine. The memories I want are caught in the wind flying through the open windows and the giggles of my friends. They’re found in the stupid pictures I take of random treasures. I’m a junkie for the moment my heart soars, but here I am again…at a desk. I’m bored.

5 Reasons Why I Chose Colorado

I’m terrified of leaving Texas, It’s all I’ve ever known! I’m not a risk taker. I love safety. My definition of spontaneity only goes as far as unplanned excursions to an HEB in another city or a random drive to explore my own town. Knowing this, my resolve to move to Colorado after college has shocked even me. Even then, I find myself making plans in my head as I sit in boring classes and dreaming of days spent at the foot of mountains, instead of my woodland sanctuary. It’s no secret that my ultimate goal in life is to travel the world, so why am I making Colorado my home base? Here are 5 reasons why.

  1. This will be my first step to travel. Just as I left my little house in the suburbs to attend college 4 hours away, I will leave my crazy state to learn about the world. I feel a change of base will assist in my efforts to get over my fears of huge changes. I can’t live in Texas my entire life…there’s too much to see!
  2.  My writing dreams can be achieved anywhere. In all honesty, it would be AMAZING if someone hired me to travel and write about my experiences. Isn’t that every bloggers dream? Tough competition. Either way, my hopes are mobile. I’m in a serious relationship, so of course it’s crossed my mind as to where we will end up, and my significant other will most likely plant himself in Colorado. This is such a perfect coincidence, and I would gladly follow!
  3. Colorado has similar beliefs to mine. Let’s be honest here, I live in a very red state. My liberal views are snuffed out. Last semester, my Texas Government professor mentioned a solution to my suffering that I won’t forget. “Vote with your feet.” Colorado is progressive, and Texas is still treating women like they can’t make their own decisions. Colorado listens to its people rather than using its beliefs to decide what’s best for them. I’m moving to Colorado. 
  4. Every time I visit Colorado, I’m awestruck. Out of every state I’ve visited, Colorado is the one I’ve explored the most. I still don’t feel like it’s enough! I can’t deny the absolute bliss and wonder I feel as soon as I enter the state. It’s a whole new world to me. There’s something about the atmosphere and the views that continually draws me in and I just want to bask in it. 
  5. Colorado has seen great changes in its economy and society. Its education is progressing, its economy is booming, its population is growing, its crime rate is dropping, and I could go on for hours! I see such good happening in this state, and I absolutely want to be a part of it. 

So, now you know some of the thoughts that have led me to make the move. I’ll spend the rest of my college days dreaming of blogging with a mountain in my view. Until then, I’ll leave you with the image of a small, curly haired little girl standing on a tree stump sticking out of a thick blanket of snow. “I’m Queen of the stump!” she declares, not knowing the land she’s claiming now would one day claim her.

Music Obsession of the Week: Halsey

Halsey

“I am Halsey. I will never be anything but honest. I write songs about sex and being sad.”

-Halsey’s official website Biography

She was the focal point of my last post, and she’ll take the spotlight again in this weeks Music Obsession!

Halsey has pretty much swept through my apartment, and even found her way to friends outside of our little haven. Apparently one of my roommates told me to check her out a while back, but I have no recollection of that. Interesting enough, she eventually appeared on my current Pandora station and demanded my obsession. I mean, how can she not? She’s everything I’m into right now. She’s kind of an indie Tove Lo, with her darker tones and deep lyrics paired with a gentle voice. Halsey is officially characterized by indie pop, but I think when people hear ‘pop’ they automatically think upbeat, fist pumping music. That’s not her sound at all. Her music is not for show, it’s to enhance the lyrics.

So I asked my friends why they liked her:

“She’s a badass bitch” (his words, not mine)     “She has well written lyrics”    “You kind of have to think about her lyrics.”

“Her music empowers you.”   “You can tell she’s been beaten down, but she never makes herself a victim in her music” 

“She’s like a dark Taylor Swift” (sure, why not?) 

You heard it from us! Halsey is the next biggie, and the fact that she’s only been around for about a year means she has so much further to go! I feel like there’s a Halsey quote for everything, just like Taylor Swift has a song for everything. I could quote her all the time, and everybody would think I was insane because you have to really think about her lyrics to get them.

My favorites:

Castle

Hold Me Down

New Americana

Roman Holiday

Colors

Gasoline

Control

She’s definitely worth checking out 🙂

The Heavy Stuff

“You were red and you liked me ’cause I was blue”

-Colors, Halsey

Rita Skeeter said it best with her little Daily Prophet article in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire…”His eyes are glittering with the ghosts of his past”. While Harry might have rebuked this, and my eyes might not be glittering so to speak, I’ve definitely been haunted by my life lately. All I can do is reminisce. I get lost in these memories ranging from months ago to years and years ago. Some of them are suffocating, some of them make me want to cringe. Some of them are beautiful.

Like the time the one I shown a light for ended up shining a light for me when it grew dark.

Like soul crushing words ringing in my ears, constantly reminding me of everything that is wrong.

Like getting caught in drunken rages.

Like those most special embraces when I need them most. Or when I can’t get enough.

Most of it is bad. Most people don’t understand how much I remember, even if they don’t. “screw up” “crazy” “poisonous”…they never stop ringing in my head. And while I’m remembering all of this, I’m forcing myself to smile and excel so they will look stupid.

Don’t get me wrong. I have awesome self-confidence, because I know I’m a good person…but would you honestly be able to walk away from words like that?

This was a rant. It was something different a few minutes ago, but like the other pieces I’ve tried to write all week, it got scratched. So this is what I give you, because this is where my thoughts are taking me tonight. It helps to listen to Halsey while you read this. 😉


Musical inspirations:

Colors

Gasoline

Control

Halsey in general

Halsey Halsey Halsey

Encouraging Thunder Award!!

IMG_5958

Yay! My 3rd award! Thank you, Lacie and Matt for bestowing me this honor!

The Encouraging Thunder Award is a pretty simple process.

  1. Thank your awesome nominator(s)
  2. Tell the world why you blog
  3. Nominate 5 more people to keep the award going

My story:

In all honesty, my desire for a blog stemmed partly from my need to be heard. I felt like I was lost in the masses, not taken seriously because of my age and personality. I started writing my deeper thoughts on Facebook, but I didn’t want to be that person. I needed a place to speak my mind in more detail and feel safe from judgement. I wanted to show people there’s depth and insight behind the silly attitude. The other appeal of a blog was a continuation of therapy. I’ve been writing almost all my life, and after I finish I always feel a little bit more free. Blogging seems like the new age journal. It’s perfect.

Miles of Life Lines has been an idea in progress for about a year now. I had thought about it for months before finally taking the leap and researching the best way to go about creating one. After finding WordPress, I began to think of a suitable name. You know, you can’t just pick a name. It has to encompass your blog and your personality. After what felt like hours…I fell in love with Miles of Life Lines. Why? It’s me, traveling through life. Writing a lot. Learning a lot. 100% free to shine as myself.

Now, I’ve bothered yall with enough details. Time for nominations:

  1. Casual Thoughts 
  2. The Weird Button
  3. Morgan
  4. Stephanie
  5. Daily Rant