“As little as you want to write when you’re happy, that’s now much you have to write when you’re miserable. Your passions need to go somewhere, and this is the only place left. Your suffering has to be good for something. It’s not for me to say if the words were worth the price.” – Brian Bloom, 5 To 7
Hello, WordPress. It’s been awhile.
In my absence, plagued with writers block and the whirl wind of life changes I happened to drop myself into, I’ve been thinking a lot about motivation. The driving force of every action, every person. Nothing is truly empty, and there’s always a back story. As I find myself meeting new people, I have one desire; find their motivation. It’s a habit of mine to wonder what goes on behind people’s eyes. I love to discover what they’re thinking and what propels them forward. In my situation of meeting new people, I found myself forced to answer my own questions about motivation.
How much of my writing is driven by positive emotions? Not much. You could spend hours sifting through blog posts and only find a handful of pieces from the joy in my life. My writing is mostly motivated by all the negativity in my life. Ranting about the stupidity of the world we live in, reflecting on the ways my life has gone, and disguising moments in poetry chalk full of imagery. It was at the point everything in my life began to go beautifully that I stepped back from writing. I had no words to share, because everything is and was perfect.
So this is my problem. Why am I motivated by negativity when my life and personality is so positive? Am I abnormal in the world of writing? Could I call this a simple therapeutic method? And if these things are normal, why is it so? Why do we as writers feel this way?
My greatest motivation in life is passion. I’ve always felt things so deeply. Simple instances affect me in such a way they usually end up somewhere in my works. This is why I write. They have to come out somehow. The thing is, how do I bridge the gap between my passion, and the negativity in my writing? How do I change my motivation to better my mental and emotion health?
From another perspective on motivation, my writing has always suffered under the influence of books. Literature makes me doubt my style and fluency. I can’t read books while I’m writing, one, because it’s hard to focus on both, and two, because I constantly compare the work of published authors to my own amateur pieces. Instead, I turn to film. Very few TV shows have touched me as much as my favorite movies, but The Office has stood out among the hundreds I’ve scrutinized. The style and lessons so carefully slipped in between the humor have kept me coming back for more, even though I’ve finished the series 4 times now and can quote a good portion of the dialogue. As far as movies go, I have an extensive library I call my “favorites”, but really only 2 help me as a writer. It began with Like Crazy, a little known independent romance with an interesting style. I fell in love with the character, the writing, the style, and the story. Everything was perfect and everything spoke to me. Then came 5 To 7, which opened doors for me in my views of the world and romance, as well as validated my feelings as a writer. I can’t convey how much I identify with Brian Bloom, who is played by Anton Yelchin (also male lead in Like Crazy, big coincidence.) Yelchin is a great actor by the way. Very unappreciated. But yes, these movies are very inspirational to me, even now that I’ve seen them multiple times. They keep me going like nothing else.
At the end of every story, every blog piece, every poem, there is a heavy heart. Writing, at least to me, isn’t about simply putting words on paper. It’s putting your heart and soul on a page. It’s letting go. It’s opening up. It’s giving away. At the end, no matter the mood of the piece, I’m left vulnerable. And I honestly wouldn’t have it any other way.
p.s. I realize this is extremely choppy and doesn’t flow well. I’m lucky to even get something out at this point. No judgement.