Breaking a Myth

I wasn’t planning on spending my first week back in town by myself in our rather large apartment. I didn’t want to. When I learned everyone else would go back to their lives after our New Years get-together, I instantly dreaded these two days alone. What is there to do in a tiny ghost town with no friends present to accompany you?

Tonight I stood in front of my mirror and silently praised myself for not breaking down and wallowing in my isolated misery. And then I was struck with a lifetime of memories, voices telling me to be alone with myself, get to know myself, be single, etc. I laughed and thought, what could being single have to do with analyzing your person and learning who you want to be? Why do I need to be single to come to terms with the character I’ve been for 20 years?

I started dating my freshman year of high school and I haven’t really stopped since. I don’t think I’ve gone more than a few months as a single person since I started dating. Most call me ‘boy crazy’, some even went so far as to call my ‘church girl’ nature an act and I was really a whore. I call it trying. I was trying in all the wrong places…but I was trying none the less. Through out this time, I’ve been told the “advice” you read above. Because apparently I have too much on my plate when I try to live life while in a relationship. So why stop at the boyfriend? Why not cut out every single person I have a relationship with so I can focus on the all important ME? As if I haven’t spent 20 years staring at ME in the mirror and witnessing first hand the life of ME?

See, I find it very odd that people who have known me for as little as 2 years to 10 years find it their duty to inform me I don’t know myself. My oldest friend has been in my life for around 17 years and even though she has the most right to give me said advice, she has never taken the chance. I could bring in thousands of bible references and what not, but I’m going to leave this paragraph at the word hypocrisy.

Do you ever look at the people around you and wonder if they have the same intelligent thought processes you do? Do you ever wonder what makes them tick, how they think, their motivations, their opinions? I do. I do all the time. This is only a fraction of the miles of forests that would die if my every day thoughts were put on paper. I’m going to be honest….half the time what comes out of my mouth does not reflect what goes on inside. I’m sure that’s a problem most if not everyone has. I don’t need to be single to reflect on past actions, future actions, and life long dreams. I do that every second of every day. I reflect on that embarrassing moment at the dance hall while I do the dishes, I reminisce on interactions with teachers, family, friends, and strangers before I sleep at night. I study my face and body in my mirror as I wash my hands or after my shower, noting imperfections and loving other features. I know myself better than anyone on this planet. The only one who could know me better than I do is God. My boyfriend of 2 1/2 years is still learning what it means to be me.

It’s funny because dating boys helped me to learn about myself and shape my character into someone I was proud of. They never once held me back from growing, because when they did, I left. I’ve always been flighty, but it’s important to making ME.

I’ve become very independent through many experiences, most of them dating related. I’ve had to face a possible future without my boyfriend and I hate it, not because I need him, but because he has become such an important part of my life and I thoroughly enjoy having him. I could stand without him. I would be a little wobbly at first, but I could. Who wouldn’t be wobbly after such a long relationship? When you have someone beside you and suddenly they’re gone, it’s shattering. If this isn’t an indication of my independence and confidence in my being, then I don’t know what is.

I’m sitting on my couch, eating 3 Musketeers Bites, and watching Scandal, and I can’t help but think this is how you get to know yourself. Not by blocking your heart off to love, but being independent and unafraid to meditate. Later I’m going to call my sweet boyfriend and enjoy having a best friend to love me for me.

 

 

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5 Reasons Why I Chose Colorado

I’m terrified of leaving Texas, It’s all I’ve ever known! I’m not a risk taker. I love safety. My definition of spontaneity only goes as far as unplanned excursions to an HEB in another city or a random drive to explore my own town. Knowing this, my resolve to move to Colorado after college has shocked even me. Even then, I find myself making plans in my head as I sit in boring classes and dreaming of days spent at the foot of mountains, instead of my woodland sanctuary. It’s no secret that my ultimate goal in life is to travel the world, so why am I making Colorado my home base? Here are 5 reasons why.

  1. This will be my first step to travel. Just as I left my little house in the suburbs to attend college 4 hours away, I will leave my crazy state to learn about the world. I feel a change of base will assist in my efforts to get over my fears of huge changes. I can’t live in Texas my entire life…there’s too much to see!
  2.  My writing dreams can be achieved anywhere. In all honesty, it would be AMAZING if someone hired me to travel and write about my experiences. Isn’t that every bloggers dream? Tough competition. Either way, my hopes are mobile. I’m in a serious relationship, so of course it’s crossed my mind as to where we will end up, and my significant other will most likely plant himself in Colorado. This is such a perfect coincidence, and I would gladly follow!
  3. Colorado has similar beliefs to mine. Let’s be honest here, I live in a very red state. My liberal views are snuffed out. Last semester, my Texas Government professor mentioned a solution to my suffering that I won’t forget. “Vote with your feet.” Colorado is progressive, and Texas is still treating women like they can’t make their own decisions. Colorado listens to its people rather than using its beliefs to decide what’s best for them. I’m moving to Colorado. 
  4. Every time I visit Colorado, I’m awestruck. Out of every state I’ve visited, Colorado is the one I’ve explored the most. I still don’t feel like it’s enough! I can’t deny the absolute bliss and wonder I feel as soon as I enter the state. It’s a whole new world to me. There’s something about the atmosphere and the views that continually draws me in and I just want to bask in it. 
  5. Colorado has seen great changes in its economy and society. Its education is progressing, its economy is booming, its population is growing, its crime rate is dropping, and I could go on for hours! I see such good happening in this state, and I absolutely want to be a part of it. 

So, now you know some of the thoughts that have led me to make the move. I’ll spend the rest of my college days dreaming of blogging with a mountain in my view. Until then, I’ll leave you with the image of a small, curly haired little girl standing on a tree stump sticking out of a thick blanket of snow. “I’m Queen of the stump!” she declares, not knowing the land she’s claiming now would one day claim her.

Missing the Waves

30 Topic Challenge: Day 17- Something you miss!


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Credits: my best friend Jennifer, best photographer ever

Gosh I miss this dress. It had pockets! But this post isn’t about a sundress I had for way too long. This is about the sandy, watery setting I wore said dress in. I’ve always adored the beach…it’s probably where I feel most at peace, at least until the merciless sun burns me to a crisp. Pale people; what can you do?

Honestly, stick me in some form of water and I’ll be happy for hours. I begged my parents for a pool my entire childhood, but always relented because I had two best friends who had their own. As much as I love free-styling in a pool, nothing compares to standing on the edge of the vast ocean and watching it roll in and out.

Maybe it’s the sheer size, or the mysterious quality, or the exciting trips past the white waves. Whatever it is, it calls to me. Those beach movies make me laugh…you’d have better luck finding me with my feet buried along with the muscles. Or out jumping waves. I’m one of those people who will wake up my group at 4 in the morning to check the shore for sand dollars and star fish. (because store bought is cheating. Bucket list: find a whole, unbleached sand dollar by myself.) The beach is no laughing matter!

As you can guess, this is my subject because I have not been this summer. I had so many plans when I moved home. Multiple trips to Enchanted Rock, camping, beach trips, rendezvous with my college buds, none of which happened. I worked, relaxed, and worked again. Weekends passed. Now I have a month before I move into my new apartment and every weekend is filled with some activity. Next time, dear ocean…next time.


Day 18: Something you’re currently worrying about. Hopefully the idea I have in mind will be resolved by the time I write this one…

My Dreams Will Be Reality

30 topic Challenge: Day 15- Your dream future!


I’m at this point in my life where I’m expected to have everything planned out….but I’m also at this point in my life where I have no idea what the heck I’m doing. Normal? Maybe? Sound like you at 19?

I could sit here and dream for hours going through the little bursts of excitement I send to my boyfriend when I think of something I want in the future. I could dream up the most spectacular, impossible future for myself (and maybe the current beaux). And, boy, would it be a fun waste of a work day! I dream of a lot of things, but I’ve also been a realist on the side. That Shelby keeps Dreamer Shelby in line. So, all future plans are within reach, and probably have somewhat of a road to get there. The catch? I have many…many….roads. This is my young adult crisis. 

At this point in life, all I want to do is travel. Why waste your life behind a desk when you have 7 Wonders and 50 Billion Nations to explore? Even domestically, every state in the US is different than its border buddies. I’d rather be well rounded through my travels than my mathematical studies. (notice how I keep bashing math in many of my posts? Do you feel my hatred yet?) My dream would be to travel and write my blog. It would be lovely if someone would pay me to do so.. 😀

But what about settling down? Kids? Family time? How will I get money? I used to adamantly support women entering the work force. I still do, to some extent. My feminist fire demands equality, but also realizes equality means a choice. Women are free to choose to stay home, and that doesn’t make them  burden on the feminist society in any way. Their rebel choice actually propels our cause and the human race forward more than someone would think. They’re paving the way for an easier, less “box-ey” working life style. One of these women will probably be me. gasps and shock everywhere! I’ve come to the conclusion that my artwork is more than just a hobby in my eyes. It’s pretty much all I want to do. I want to be like Allie from The Notebook, where she wakes up and spends her days leisurely painting. (forget painting in the nude. Too modest for that, Allie.) Then again, that was during a time when women didn’t exactly work unless they couldn’t afford being a single income family. Regardless, I’m inspired to progress my painting and writing/blogging to a new level.

Another road, and the longest in terms of preparation; becoming a theatre teacher. I haven’t exactly announced it, but I have decided to stay away from teaching for a district. I have no interest in re-entering the school system, so should I continue down this road, it will be towards a community theatre setting. This school year will test my passion for theatre and whether or not I’m willing to spend that much time producing that form of art. I still have a dear love for the stage, but I have so much more I want to spend my time with, that it might be set on the back burner for a while.

You might read this and think I’ll spend my life being poor. Or that I’ll have to marry rich. No thank you! My determination is all I need. I won’t settle for a little house or small apartment unless I begin a phase where I adore cottage-like homes. Trust me, it might happen. The big mansions aren’t really my forte either. I mean, I already have trouble decorating my apartment bedroom, and you want me to furnish 50 rooms? Are you kidding me? Who needs 10 couches? My enormous wealth will be distributed elsewhere.

Where, you ask? Horses. Ranch property. Beach property. Maybe a ranch on the beach. Oh, that would be lovely! I’ve always wanted to ride a horse down the beach! That would be my dream home. A modest, but stylish home smack dab in the center of acres full of animals, with an ocean view from my bedroom. (Take notes, boyfriend. This is your mission) My list of pets would include a few cats for the house, 2 horses for my hubby and me, a few chickens for eggs, maybe a cow, a duck, and a large dog. (Great Dane, German Shepard, I’m not picky.)

Just to sum all of my ranting up, my dream/reality future will include:

1. A living room large enough to put up a tent to camp

2. a loving husband who will stick by my through everything and support me in my stupid adventures (I think I scored already, we’ll see)

3. Everything my children will need to grow up to have a good head on their shoulders

4. A job that will not seem like a job because I will not be crushed or resent having to wake up in the morning

5. Each of my passions, whether they change or remain the same

6. many cats. Because I’m me.

7. enough space to sit outside and breathe, because I was supposed to be born in the Hippie age, but I decided to wait a few decades for whatever reason.

8. A purpose of breaking down barriers and shining, however that may be achieved.

I don’t have it figured out yet…but does anyone really? One day I’ll be in this scene I’ve just laid out, and I will sit on my porch giggling at the people who thought I couldn’t do it, and reminiscing about whatever road I took to get there.


Next: Day 16: Academics