Lets Talk About the Weather

Now I’m going to take a moment to be serious.

The Midwest is seeing a strange….what do we call this? Ice storm? Enormous freeze? Arctic weather not in the Arctic? You get the point. Chicago is colder than the Arctic right now. The literal Arctic. Polar Bear weather. Or maybe more extreme than Polar Bear weather?? Is that even possible? All over my feed people are sharing their experiences as the weather settles in for a deep chill around them. Doors to Starbucks (STILL OPEN BY THE WAY) are frozen over, inside hinges of homes are frozen over, there are warnings of frost bite with blackened ears and toes. This is insane. I’ve been constantly reminded of The Day After Tomorrow, a movie about apocalyptic weather overcoming the US and the trials that ensue. In one scene, a group of survivors in New York trek across the frozen city to a safer place. Those who stopped to rest died in the extreme cold. In another scene, a sudden temperature drop swept through the area, literally freezing everything instantaneously. (The theatrical moment saw walls icing over, flags freezing where they used to wave, etc) Maybe this wasn’t possible back in the day, but I don’t think we should underestimate the capability of Earth anymore.

Which brings me to my point. I’ve been mulling over this idea for a while, but now it seems solidified in the historical events happening around us. The time of humanity is over. Earth is changing, whether in order to rid itself of us or not. We see this as hurricanes become more powerful, summers and winters more extreme, the ice is melting, the seas are rising, tectonic plates are moving, etc. Global warming, yay.

You may roll your eyes or shake this off. Even refute it. But we consider ourselves masters of the Universe and this is simply not the case. We are tiny, insignificant, proud coincidences. (I already see religious outrage coming. Leave it at home, yall) The sun could drop out of Space tomorrow and we would be doomed. The Sun could change even the slightest BIT and we would be doomed. Another planet could crash into us and we would be doomed. The moon. Our Earth. Everything is a perfect coincidence. A PERFECT happenstance. Maybe it was created by a superior being, maybe it wasn’t. But this fact remains; we have no control, and we are not all powerful. We are very very fragile. We sit on our plush, fake thrones and play politics with other fragile humans as if it actually matters. We debate and call each other names like it matters. Tiny human minds. You’re dying.

I guess the moral of this post is to see who we really are in this universe. Even if you believe in a god, see this truth. Everything could fall apart in a heart beat. Everything kind of is, already. So pray, help your neighbor in these hard times, help the Earth.

Now I want to know if there are Polar Bears at the Chicago Zoo and whether they’re loving this or not…turn on the Polar Bear cam, yall.

The Outcome of 6 Months of Typing and Deleting

I started to write a poem, because that was what I felt at the time. But the more this thought grew, I knew it was a blog post. The funny thing is….I think my last blog post was about the very beginning. I’ll have to go check.

It’s been 6 months and 5 days since my relationship ended. It feels like a lifetime. I’ve come to the keyboard so many times over these months to tell my story, but then I realized none of it mattered anymore. The hows, the whys, the fingers pointed at other fingers. I have done my analyzing, and it didn’t change anything. It’s over. It was over on day 1, to be honest.

You see, as much as these things don’t matter, I have to explain something for you to see the whole picture. He never loved me. Not once in the 2 1/2 years that he said he did. Not when he promised me it would be forever, that I was his life, that we were partners. He tried. That’s ok. It’s ok, because I loved him with every fiber of my being. My soul. I have never loved a human with so much of me in my entire life. And while people may argue differently, I know deep down that this is the absolute truth, no matter what. You might be wondering, how could I possibly think this when the relationship was so flawed and he didn’t even love me back? None of this impeded the ever growing adoration I felt for him. Granted, I didn’t know he didn’t love me until after it ended…but that is besides the point.

I thought I hadn’t found that great love yet. I worried that I never will. But it was there. Just because it wasn’t reciprocated doesn’t mean it didn’t exist. I have felt this great love. The love of my life. I can only imagine the awesome power of that love when it could be reciprocated. Over these 6 months and 5 days….6 days…it’s now after midnight…I have met and dated countless men. At first it served to fill the void…the need for affection and companionship I felt when suddenly my life partner had evaporated. I found some who have made me hope for a new start. False hope, but hope nonetheless. I’ve never been down for long, and this was no exception. But underneath the hope, I realize now that I’ve held onto my great love. It has never left me. It never will. I feel it when I open my pantry and see those damn Kahlua chocolates, or I eat our favorite Dijorno’s pizza. I feel it when I sleep perfectly on my side of the bed like I’m waiting for someone to hop into bed beside me. I feel it when I turn on the computer we built together, see the icons for the games we played. I feel it when our four-legged daughter does something cute and her daddy is not there to share the moment. I feel it in the silent darkness as I open the door to my empty apartment after a long day and there’s no one here to welcome me home. To our home.

I have felt this great love. My sweet, so intelligent, so gentle, so funny love.

It’s been 6 months and 6 days. I still cry. Hell, there are tears now. It’s not the hour long sobbing sessions that definitely spooked my neighbors in the beginning. The pain is still there.

After hearing a story, not so unlike mine, a very important question came to mind. What now? What do you do when you have loved so hard and so brilliantly so young? When you have given your soul to someone already, but an entire life lies ahead of you? What do you do when you have had your love of a lifetime, your white picket fence, so soon? I used to ponder this question out of love for a friend and their future, but now it seems this is my fate too. Although it makes me determined to find an answer, I worry that there is none. Do you wander aimlessly, because none of the faces you see are the face? Do you have hope? Is there even hope? Hope for what? Something less divine than the love we felt? Something beyond belief, dare I say..better?

I’ve run out of words, but I don’t know how to end this..so here is my underwhelming ending. Ta da.

From the Damaged Place

I wish I could shoot daggers at you.

I wish I could glare at you, but all I can do is give you the classic doe eyes, because that’s what I am around you. I wish I wouldn’t freeze up every time you come into sight. I wish I didn’t feel the need to impress you after everything you’ve done to me.

I wish I could stop you and scream at you and punch you and slap you. And cry. I wish I could cry.

For the emotional trauma you put me through. For the ruination of my carefully stacked blessings. For the horrible damage I did, and continue to do, to myself  because of you. For the word poison that continues to ring in my ears to this day. For the way I have to continuously validate myself to myself every. day.

I wish I was worthy. I wish I saw my own worth. I wish you saw my worth. I wish I was important to you. As important to you as you were to me.

I wish more of me hated you. I wish less of me wanted you. I wish I could stop obsessing over something so obviously negative.

I wish I could focus on what’s important, instead of the seconds of awkward passing I work so hard to encounter.

I wish you would just leave already.

I wish I would stop staring out the window, waiting. I’ve always been waiting.

I wish that I had been stronger than you. I wish that I had been better than you. I wish that I could have stopped you.

I wish this post, and the posts waiting to be finished in my draft box, and the many poems didn’t exist. I wish I could speak about it. They’ve all heard enough already. I wish this pain was only mine.

I wish that I could scream that I was abused, because that’s what I feel, but I can’t stand up with the broken women and feel like I belong there. Maybe my abuse was imaginary. Maybe my abuse was internal. Maybe I’m to blame.

I wish I didn’t defend you every time. I wish you knew that I was the only one defending you.

I wish I was fine. I wish I was normal. I wish the year of depression, agony, and insanity belonged to someone other than me. A dream. No, I wish they were a nightmare. At least I would wake up, and someone would love me back to sleep.

What does poisonous even mean…? I thought I was good…

Straight Up Education

30 Topic Challenge: Day 8- How important you think education is.

It’s been ingrained in me all my life that I have to attend public school until I’m 18, and then I have to go to college to get a degree. I thought that was the only way to do it, and if you didn’t, you were lazy and stupid. My friends began to talk about enlisting in the military and I turned up my nose like a snob, because they chose combat over knowledge.

FYI: a piece of paper should NEVER tell you how smart you are.

FYI: if you think so, I’m sorry friend. I’m here to tell you your intelligence goes farther than words on a page with pretty borders.

We live in a day and age where information is readily available at the tips of our fingers. Thousands of colleges and universities live within the internet. Youtube is full of legitimate instruction. Blogs, articles, websites, it’s all there. I can learn more browsing the internet in a few hours than I can sitting in a class all year.

With this in mind, I think education is still extremely important. I wish the whole world could be properly educated, and I hope one day it will be. But “properly educated” doesn’t necessarily mean going through the motions like I currently am. I’m stuck in the system, but I applaud those who make something of themselves without wasting money and time learning useless equations and advanced sciences that they probably won’t need.

It is still very possible for a PhD graduate to leave college without a career. They might end up working at McDonalds, and become socially shunned. But they have a PhD! They worked for 8+ years for that piece of paper! According to the glossy words, they are highly educated, and they’re not getting a job? Shocker.

My point: education does not mean degree. Education means knowledge obtained. The latter is the most important thing you can do for yourself. The former is only important by social standards. There is a difference. 

Dear Military people and friends: I love you all. You are smart beyond measure. I was a stupid child. Thank you for your bravery and service.

Next week I explore the murky waters of the topic: how comfortable I am with my body. Which I have turned into the social disaster that is body image.